After taking an ass kicking from the Democratic debate, the Republican presidential candidates unanimously decided to abandon their campaigns. They will soon be appearing in a new Donald Trump production. Working title of the production is South Park meets Peanuts and the Gang.
Cast of Characters:
Peanuts and the Gang:
Carly Fiorina captured the part of Peppermint Patty. Her ability to misunderstand basic concepts made her a top contender. Her performance attacking Planned Parenthood videos was the deciding factor in awarding her the role.
Jed Bush is all set to portray Snoopy the good-natured beagle. Fantasizing about extending the Bush dynasty gave him a leg up.
Rand Paul was a sure winner to portray Schroeder, the intellectual member of the gang. He had to agree to abandon his tin foil hat for the run of the production.
John Kasich is Charlie Brown. His ability to change with the mood of the audience and capture the loser/winner combination of Charlie made him the runaway choice.
South Park Cast:
Ben Carson will re-create Token Black: His naiveté about everyday life put him over the top of candidates to play the richest kid in South Park.
Chris Christie is the only logical choice to portray Cartman, the fat, loud-mouth self centered bully of the South Park gang. Christie insisted on a clause in his contract forbidding the use of the word “bridge” in his dialogue.
Marco Rubio will rely heavily on his Cuban American heritage to portray Kyle Broflovski, the only Jewish tyke in the play.
Ted Cruz’s publicist announced his is resigning from politics to be the new leader of the Westboro Baptist Church.
Mike Huckabee is striking out on his own. Rumor has it he is in contract negotiations with the producers of Swamp People. Should those fail, my sources tell me Duck Dynasty is waiting in the wings to nab him.